I obviously don't get on here...ever.

I have been trying to clean my room as of lately, and I really kind of mean REALLY clean it. In the mess of a place I call my room I found this journal that my friend Jessica bought for me when I was like 10 or 11. Its a thicker journal with a picture of Amy Brown's water element fairy on the top. I have been looking at the the past couple days knowing I should start journaling again. Maybe that is why I feel so damn depressed all the time, I just need to get it out.

So today I open it and there is a flap on the inside. I look inside and find some of the poems I have written and a couple of AWFUL drawings I have done (I can not draw for shit just to let you know). I read them and I wrote them in 2004 but I totally still feel the same way. Its like so much shit has change but some things have just come back to how it was.

My identity was stolen in January of 2008. New Years Day to be exact. Fuck Dell for never getting back to me. Dell is a piece of shit and I will never buy anything of theirs as long as I live.

My son is now almost a year and a half. He walks, runs, climbs, and has a couple words in his vocabulary including Mamma, ouch, and his favorite is "NO". He goes to daycare now which isn't bad because he can play with other kids in a safe environment.

My son has no father. I knew me and Eric had problems in our relationship, and I don't know if either of us were TRULY truly happy, but I never thought things would end the way they did. He lied to me constantly, he cheated on me for who knows how long, lied to my face when we broke up, talked shit about me constantly to everyone after the fact, made ME out to be the bad one, yelled at me and belittled me, called once in a while to ask me for numbers, and when things didn't work out with the girl he cheated on me with (because she fucked someone else and bragged to him about it), he thought it would be ok to pay attention to his son again. We broke up on Connor's birtday. He didn't even have to balls to say it was over.

Eric has only seen Connor once since September 25,2008. He saw him on October 23, 2008 and hasn't seen him since.

I literally broke down and starting crying last night because in the car on the way home from bowling, Jamal was talkin about his brother who was killed. I mean I felt sad for him but I wasn't in tears or anything. That is until he brought up his niece and how she doesn't have a father. I started tearing up and told him to stop talking because he was making me cry. When he asked why, it hit me, something I have never said aloud before, "because Connor doesn't have a dad" and I just started bawling.

Its SOOOO unfair. I think this is why people shouldn't have babies out of wedlock (for the most part). It seems to be that when babies aren't planned either one or both parents aren't truly in it. I mean I could be wrong but this is all I have experienced. My cousin had a baby at 16 and both her and the father left, leaving my Aunt and Uncle to raise him. My sister had a baby at 16 and the father isn't around. I never thought Eric wouldn't abandon Connor, but here it is coming up on four months since he has seen him. His myspace says he loves him more than anything, but he doesn't call and he DOESN'T try and see him.  There are so many people who really want to have babies and then there are people who have babies and don't care about them.

Then I hear girls talking about how badly they want a baby. Like a girl I work with. She wants one soooo bad. But its like, are you crazy?!? I love Connor with everything in me but its not all fun and games. They arent always cute and precious all the time. At three in the morning when you are exhausted and just want to sleep you aren't going to feel love from them.

I work, go to school, and raise this amazing little boy by myself. I never pictured my life this way. I wanted to raise Connor is a house by myself with a father that wouldn't leave him for drugs or girls. I didn't picture myself cramming a bed and a crib and dressers and other shit into a small smace that is my ONLY space in this whole house.

I think this is why I am so depressed. I have some awesome friends, but I just feel so alone.

On top of everything my car has broken down TWICE in one week. My headgasket ( i believe) blew and if it costs more than 500 bucks we are scrapping it. My life is just full of shittyness.

And on top of THAT our world is in a crisis and it seems no one wants to change. Its this simple guys, maybe walk to to corner store instead of driving. Turn off the light when you leave the room. Turn off the water when brushing your teeth. Recycle your tin cans and plastics, and your paper. Turn off your tv if you are really not watching it. STOP BYING WATER BOTTLES, and if you do recycle them. Not only are they filling up landfills but they are made from oil with horrible chemicals and are dangerous to the environment but dangerous to your health as well.

If we don't start making changes we are all doomed.

Watch the 11th hour, and tell me that you don't think Earth is getting back at us because we keep fucking her up!

Ok sorry this just turned into a long speal.

I am going to the Science Center today (hopefully) with Connor and my niece and hopefully I can find one more person to go with.

I stink so I am going to go take a shower now.

hello again to everyone :]